My journey to becoming a Heathen didn’t begin with a sign. It began with research. It began with trying to find a religious community that reflected my belief in the Norse goddesses and gods, and my values. There is a long and winding story here, but the main point is this – it never began with divine revelation or any kind of magical moment.
That was 2003. Since then, I have continued down this path. I’ve tried to be a good Heathen and challenged myself to grow and learn. I’ve served my community as a leader for over a decade. I’d like to fancy myself someone who has done all the right things.
Yet I have escaped the notice of the Gods.
I used to throw it off, because rejection sucks. I’d scoff at the idea and simply say those the gods notice is clearly meant for an interesting life, and I didn’t need that. I was content with a simple life. Self-delusion is powerful.
But when I heard the stories of those who have a personal calling from the divine, I started to feel a bit hollow, and questioned my place in the religion. Imposter syndrome leads to doubting my beliefs, and why anyone would ever dare listen to what I have to say.
But still I keep moving forward. I keep making my offerings, performing my rituals. I continue to lead my community, and I keep showing up. But those questions still linger in the back of my mind. Why not me? Why am I not good enough to have the favor or attention of the gods?
If you’ve never had the godphone ring, know you aren’t alone. It’s okay to feel confused, angry, and sad. It’s okay not to care. Most importantly, it doesn’t make you any less of a Heathen. So keep striving to be a better Heathen, and know that you are not alone.